Control issues run strong in my family. As we were driving home from my mother's house, Anthony was asking me why so and so is like this? And why does someone else act like that?
I realized as the words were coming out of my mouth about their having control issues, that THIS is the root of my conflict now with Heaven and the Galactics and the Ascension process in general.
Ascension IS not something we can control. We can hasten it, or we can delay it, but the actual process itself is out of our 'planning'.
And for MY Ascension, I am being led down the path I describe as 'when nothing is left but God'...
I learned this one from Linda, who has family and financial issues, but still manages to keep one foot in front of the other, and stay focused on Spirit and her meditation and her Reiki. I thought about her and remarked to myself, 'wow! There's like, nothing left, and she STILL chooses to love her family and nature and others!'...
My plans are being ripped from me one after another, and I am constantly being forced into an off-balance, uncomfortable position. Everything I WANT evaporates before my eyes. And instead I am given what I NEED to grow.
The last three plans I had to visit with my extended family--which is a feat in itself to coordinate our schedules--I had to back out at the last minute.
It made me sad.
This time, as Anthony threw up all over the floor in my mom's living room, and I was on my hands and knees in the middle of the stench cleaning it up, I realized with two immunocompromised family members he was contagious (he had myalgias--muscle aches--and a stiff spot on his neck the day before) and I would have to cancel Easter.
I had to work.
But I was horrified how mom got exposed. And I had no backup plan for someone to watch Anthony.
Mom is a real pro, and knew just how to handle it, and calmed me down. She wasn't afraid of his germs.
At six in the morning I was at the grocery store, running around like I was on some game show or something, buying up Gatorade and crackers and ginger ale...so I could bring it home to mom, and then not be late for my first case at seven in the morning.
I carried so much stuff up and down the front steps from the car. And again, I literally RAN my way in to work. I even forgot my eyeglasses in the car. I couldn't see.
I worked twelve hours straight. With the sickest of the sick and three would have been dead had we not operated on them that day. (just for the record, I got the glasses before my second case...it's the computer I have trouble seeing, it's blurry, but I can function...)
What I wanted was this--either for me or for Anthony...
What I get is the opposite--lots of people who need my services. With slow teams who aren't that helpful in the O.R. My technician is not there on weekends and holidays. So I have to go get all my specialty equipment and set it up myself.
My Reiki student Kelsey was spot-on. I thought of things I wanted or needed, and BOOM she was on it, even the banh mi sandwich I wanted from across the street. I thought it and she came in and asked if I wanted anything because the nurses were making a food run to the exact place I had been thinking!
I was just glad I had split the call to two days, back to back, and had the night to sleep.
Anthony's stomach is better.
I'm not.
I'm badly shaken.
Here's why.
I'm realizing what it takes to be Mrs. Ross.
I don't like it.
I don't like ANY of it.
Because MY dream might not be HIS dream, and there are a lot of people who are involved besides just him and me.
MY dream is to become the velcro Twin and never leave his side, on a perpetual honeymoon until I myself am ready or healed and able to venture out to my next steps as an Ascended person.
I get the feeling much as he likes me, he is going to keep doing his job, and the only reason I seem to exist is because I bring him joy.
I'm not able to stand on my own two feet with this one, does that make sense?
Just like with home, where I wanted a Happy Easter, I got quiet time at mom's, just being with her and Anthony and watching the ten commandments like always. I got the nurturing of being in my childhood home, seeing the garden, and being close to my mother I love with all my heart. I am grateful for the talk and time I got to spend with her.
Ross bought me a beautiful crystal. I had auctioned for it. And while I was in the O.R., I saw the last few minutes of the auction. He told me it was for my being such a good sport. He was REALLY happy to give it to me, and had told me in advance in those last few minutes that I would win the auction.
So here I am with this guy, this Twin, who is thoughtful and caring and everything I ever dreamed I could be with...and everybody who is alive on Earth today, or who has ever been, is able to recognize him, and possibly has some opinion about him too.
He is needed by so many more than me, and I am outnumbered and I can't get in their way of their relationship with him.
Am I a trophy wife? I'd hate to think I went to medical school and worked so hard on my Ascension to only be 'the little woman' who 'stands behind her man'.
It seems shallow and a waste of my gifts.
If that is what I am asked to do, I will then do it with all my heart no questions asked.
I see now I get the little piece. The Universe gets the bigger piece of my man. Most likely in both situations--inside the Illusion, the Matrix, and outside of it too.
He's not going to stop going to his Councils.
He's not going to stop growing as a soul.
He's got a price tag on his head because EVERYONE wants him!
Then there's me.
What am I?
I bring him joy...
They are trying very hard in Spirit to get me comfortable being on my own, my own person, my soul. Last night as I was falling asleep, it was as if I was a puppy and Ross was teaching my spirit to go with him a little ways and then STAY.
I didn't like it, being told where to go, and when to sit. Even if it was to be given a surprise.
So I went to Divine Father's office, and sat on my little pillow on the floor, and just soaked in His Presence.
Divine Father explained to Ross (he is learning!) how to take care of me, I have to have the freedom of access, to be able to follow my own needs as a soul, to spend time with him as I want, no questions asked. I can't be on a 'feeding schedule' for my spiritual growth.
Later, Archangel Michael came in, and asked me questions. I forget them, but there were two and I answered them the best I could.
I'm stuck between dimensions. I'm not really enjoying life in 5D. I can't stay in 3D, it's uncomfortable too.
From what I see of it, Heaven and life in 5D is NOT like an episode on Home and Garden TV network. It's no overhaul to my dream set of living conditions.
And as I watch from afar, I see ahead of me a great big MESS--because for one person, their heaven is getting all of their debt erased and being 'rich'. For another, it's having perfect health. For some like me, it's the dream of being no longer lonely, and uniting with their Twin...
Just as we co-create our current reality together--like it or not--what is this Heaven going to look like? Is it going to be a free-for-all with everyone scrambling in the higher energies?
I have to share one 'growth' story that actually made me somewhat irked to read it. I grew up with another Linda. This was was a Holy Roller. I did mediumship for her with a message or two from her dead gay son. Linda told me it was the devil and never to talk to her of it again. I sent her flowers every anniversary of Ryan's death for ten years. I spent seventy dollars each time. Just to show her I'm okay. Not only are gay people okay and not going to hurt her (Ryan's death proved her that) but psychic ones are okay and not going to hurt her too. So for Easter she makes some announcement on FB that 'she realizes now God isn't the narrow-minded one she had worshiped for thirty years, but is actually able to love just about everything and everybody' (but I still think she thinks psychics are the devil, really, I do.)
I know God and the Angels are rejoicing whenever someone 'grows' in Consciousness like that.
I'm not.
I'm annoyed and disappointed in her for taking so long to realize it, and for hurting SO many many many people in her spiritual ignorance and hate, including her dead gay son who she sent to one of those 'change your orientation' Christian camps when he was a teen.
This is where I admit I am not God, I don't see the big picture, and from where I sit it's like 'big whoop de doo' for such 'revelations'. Instead I think what a total waste of time for everyone involved to wait until this princess here who has been dragging her feet finally figures it out what the rest of us have known all this time!!!
It is I who have lots of growing to do, to get to be like Ross, where I am loving and politically correct 24/7, an 'ambassador of Heaven' who won't roll my eyes over things I think are totally ridiculous.
What kind of future do I have with a life of Ross? I am not him. Not in any way, shape or form. I did my best not to get angry yesterday at work, when I certainly could have--every stupid thing that could tangle or break DID. It was like I was on candid camera --someone was laughing their head off at my going through the booby traps and struggles as I worked. My patients did well, but it wasn't easy. So I've made progress. But I'm still nowhere close to where Ross is, even though he is my twin.
To be honest, I'm kind of freaked out about 5D. On top of the amnesia, which makes me feel at the mercy of something or someone in the first place, I have the very strong feeling I'm not going to be able to plan my days, relax, and enjoy the closeness with Ross I so long to feel...for all of my Heaven. Because from what I see, the needs of the many outweigh the few, or the one.
I feel like I am going to be the little cute fragrance tree on Ross' rear view mirror, as he goes about his commute through his heavenly existence, something that 'brings joy' but is more of an impulse and an afterthought than an equal partner and friend.
And I don't feel like I can compare to the joy he feels from the thousands of millions of billions of Linda's who 'figure things out after thirty years of struggling' and count on him as their 'superhero'.
I'm small potatoes.
I'm incarnate.
I can't fill out a form to save my life because my dimensions are so high.
I'm overworked.
No amount of meditation seems to change how much demand Spirit places on me to be in the right place at the right time--so much so that all my own plans disintegrate.
I am told by Creator to love the thorns as much as the roses--but I'm NEVER going to display a vase of thorns in my house! I like flowers because they are beautiful and smell sweet. I've had enough thorns!
My mom says she's at the point where she realizes for every joy she gets three sorrows immediately follow.
She's astute. She knows how it is with our lessons. The joys are just 'breathers'--it's never going to happen.
from Saul incarnate
from our brother Jesus
from the Council
I hate to be such a stick in the mud about this. Or a Debby Downer. But I can't see me getting what I want, what I dream, not in this life, not in the one after this, or in the next, whether I am incarnate or in my Light Body.
I accept it.
And that's the biggest growth and lesson of all. And it's taken me fifty one years to reach. So go ahead with all the party favors and excitement over that one guys up there in Heaven. Carla finally accepts that she can't control, and she's not going to fight it. Big whoop de doo...whoopee...(and I still reserve the right to roll my eyes, even at myself, with this 'huge breakthrough')...
Ross
I have to share HER!
Carla doesn't know the half of things, what goes on up here.
Carla is depressed. Her world is closing in on her, fast. She's never going to have a horse, a dream she wanted as a child, with the hopes that if she worked hard she might one day have for herself her own stable with horses.
Carla doesn't have the strength to muck out a stall. Not anymore. That time and that energy has passed.
Carla doesn't have an ounce of fight left, she doesn't have the energy...and yet she is drowning in forms, in lawsuits, in a crumbling house...and having to say no to Anthony who wants fifty dollars for the upgrade on the video game, etc, etc...
She's tired.
And Carla doesn't want ME!
She doesn't.
It's too painful for her to see ME who I AM.
It was then, back in the day, and it is now.
How could I love her when I went traipsing all over the area with my group?
In my heart I did.
But when two people are in love, they speak two highly different 'love languages'. My love for her was in my heart...but I didn't take the time to build the relationship to what it could have been. I didn't take the time to SHOW IT to her.
Carla's kitten training is being untangled. From early on, a kitten, just like a priestess in our old Essene tradition--is taught to SERVE spirit by serving her man. All of her reason to exist is to please me. But people who have been programmed like this, and in her past life Carla was--it is never enough. The drive to be like velcro to another is overwhelming! All consuming! And never ever can be quenched!
The programming lifts (hence the 'stay' lesson) and it is as uncomfortable for me as it is for Carla! It is for me, because it makes Carla feel vulnerable and threatened, and I don't like for her to be like that. I want to shelter her in my loving arms. (finger goes up--ed) But not at this time.
Carla has made tremendous growth and progress, and I am most pleased with her, and also is all of Heaven.
Carla is making her baby steps...in her lessons...and they are right on schedule and according to plan.
Carla is guiding US with her openness and honesty and self-knowledge and introspection...in a way, just as I was the 'first' to Ascend, in my fashion, Carla is the guinea pig for letting us all know what it's like to be going through it at this particular time.
Carla's depression will lift. (puts his hand up over his eyes like a visor and scans the horizon as if 'seeing the future'--ed).
It is healing.
And THAT is what my little Carla does the best, better than anyone on earth, or here with us--not the best for HER personally, but the best in that she takes all of this growth and applies it to helping others in the way spirit asks her to guide...in humility...in kindness...in nurturing...and love.
When we are together there will be no smile wider than Carla's, when I am at her side, the place where I most long to be.
Aloha and Mahalos,
Namaste,
Peace,
Ross and Carla
The Twins
